-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
You Might Also Like
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.