-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
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Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I am yelling
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening