“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
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People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
monday
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean