Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me