Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.