Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

Mornin. * use accordingly

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

😂

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.