I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
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i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
2022: I can fix it
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days