I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
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Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
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My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.