Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.