I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
You Might Also Like
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston