Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

Well, that should do it

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube