Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

Hank is one in a melon.

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit