I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
You Might Also Like
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*