Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

hello pervert is such a strong opener

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

War & Peace

what it’s like dating me:

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”