I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
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The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Salad is the decaf of food.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers