I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
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Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
The answer is funnier than the question
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?