I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
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What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
they see me scrollin
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it