I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
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“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”