I heard you’re supposed to talk to your plants, it helps them grow so when I water mine, I say “you like that, don’t cha?” The artificial plant is still thriving, so there’s that.
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If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt