Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me