Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position