I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts