I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
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Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.