Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.