I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
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Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
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“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*