I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
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Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Maths meets science
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.