I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
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Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
How many? 🤔
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
*updates tinder bio*
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.