I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.
They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.
Well played Canada, well played.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.