Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD