Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

never ask a starfish for directions

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.