Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

Pandas 🐼🖤

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.