Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

Look at this

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]