I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
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Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table