Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.