Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

Morning.

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what