I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
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Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”