Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

🚲+physics = winner

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain