Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors