Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

he looks great for his age

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.