I hid some form of a weapon in literally every room of my home when I first moved in and now I have to figure out where the hell I put everything before I move out…
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The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it