Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.