Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.