Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

British websites use biscuits.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”