I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
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Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing