I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
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Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.