I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
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Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.