I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise