Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

Thursday

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.