I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
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When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.