I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
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Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Wait for it
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*