I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
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…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
throat sock season is upon us.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
This took me a second..
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono