Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

This has made my week.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1598623068531920897/pu/vid/720x720/jf0Sm0ftpZ-rzGl8.mp4?tag=12

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?