I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
You Might Also Like
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”