I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
You Might Also Like
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I need to update my racial profile.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
back to work
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love