I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
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I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
i guess his teacher was really pissed
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
what it’s like dating me:
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format