i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
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Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Velcrow
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Sniffing the broccoli
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing