i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
You Might Also Like
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.