Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

*gets down on one knee*

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight