Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

Fight

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.