Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

My birthstone is pecan pie.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”