Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

😂😂

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem