Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
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“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.