I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
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I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]