Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

Family Celebrity

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you