I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
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I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.