I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
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Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate