I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
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asked my bf how work was today
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.
I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.
Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.