Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.