Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

Smile they said.

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

Seems kinda suspicious

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything