I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
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My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.