i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
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Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.