I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
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Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I mean…but I did
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.