Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.