I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
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When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Its true…
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC