Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?